inevitable.reality

at this exact point of time, i swear i will not be unhappy no more about people who just are out to be an arsehole to me. even if it means i am home alone with my white fluffy dragon, it don't matter. i don't need this kind of shit. i am not perfectly fine but i will be alright. i am tired of trying to push when the other party don't pull. it's not anyone's loss but theirs. as friends, you don't need to always like each other but you do not abandon them.

it's over motherfuckers!

that's the problem with drinking, i thought, as i poured myself another drink. if something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.

"you spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. you just use the future to escape the present." - Looking For Alaska

there it goes again. that heavy feeling in your chest when you don't feel any desire to speak or move. all you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. you attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.

why do we even bother? why do we make ourselves open to such easy damage? ws it all loneliness? is it all fear? or is it just to experience those narcotic moments of belonging with someone else?

we're all lonely for something we don't know we're looking for. how else to explain the curious sentiment that goes around feeling like we're missing somebody we've never met?

no one can hurt me anymore. in fact, no one can even come close because i just don't care anymore. about anything. i wake up and don't care what i wear. i don't care what i do on the weekends. i just go through the motions. so i sure as hell don't care what you do with your life anymore.

why am I fighting to live, if i’m just living to fight? why am i trying to see, when there ain’t nothing in sight? why am i trying to give, when no one gives me a try? why am i dying to live, if i’m just living to die? someone please tell me why.

did you ever walk through a room that’s packed with people, and feel so lonely you can hardly take the next step?

i had no interests. i had no idea how i was going to escape. at least the others had some taste for life. they seemed to understand something that i didn’t understand. maybe i was lacking. It was possible. i often felt inferior. i just wanted to get away from them. but there was no place to go."

you know what i think we are most afraid of? not knowing. not knowing whether it's all really worth it, not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting, not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose. it's like when you're little and you touch the stove and get burned because you didn't really know that it was hot. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning.

i love that moment. when you're on a long car ride, or listening to music, or reading. and you completely zone out. you forget your troubles, and everyone around you. you're focused on that one thing, and that one thing only. you're content, and everything seems peaceful.

am i a good person? deep down, do I even really want to be a good person, or do i only want to seem like a good person so that people (including myself) will approve of me? is there a difference? how do i ever actually know whether i’m bullshitting myself, morally speaking?

and once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.

i've never fooled anyone. i've let people fool themselves. they didn't bother to find out who and what I was. instead they would invent a character for me. i wouldn't argue with them. they were obviously loving somebody i wasn't.

i often find myself wondering if people can see me suffering. if i never explain myself to them, can they see it in my eyes? or am i just another person passing by? just an acquaintance who looked just a bit blue.

sometimes you gotta just take things for what they are and appreciate them, not try to label it or explain it. explanations take the mystery out of it, you know?

calling someone else fat, wont make you any skinnier. calling someone else stupid, will not make oneself any wiser. calling another ugly, will not make you any prettier. and calling someone else weak will do nothing to help you be stronger.

when it comes down to it, i've spoiled myself. i've watched too many chick flicks, and read too many fairy tales. i've come up with this vision of love that isn't true. well, not true for me. the boy doesn't stop traffic to race after the girl, open up her car door, make some corny, heart-warming remark and passionately kiss her. in my life, the boy keeps driving right through the intersection.