inevitable.reality

"yes. I am a dreamer. for a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." -oscar wilde

the average person tells 4 lies a day or 1460 a year; a total of 87,600 by the age of 60. and the most common lie is: I Am Fine.

sometimes you just feel empty, lonely, insignificant. and it doesn’t matter what you do, no it doesn’t matter how many laps you run, musicals you join, classes you skip or how many pairs of shoes you buy - you still feel like crap. sometimes I just feel like taking off, selling everything I own and running away to somewhere so distant, running away into the unknown

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing
The side of me you should

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
And what if I can't trust myself
What if I just need some help

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

I hope that one day I would be able to say that.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

happy new year 새해 복 많이 saehae bog manh-i 新年快乐 Xīnnián kuàilè

the new year has started but for the chinese we get to do it twice!

so this year, i hope that it will be the start of many new and beautiful beginnings.

attractive 吸引力 (xinyi li) 매력 (maelyeog): attractiveness or attraction refers to a quality that causes an interest or desire in something or someone.

let me slip into my fangirl mode....
seriously!! need i say more? he is my current eye candy. nope he ain't that good looking but there is something about him. the more you see the more you like. of cos these are all just a facade. but it doesn't stop thousands or maybe millions of girls to go gaga after him. based on that - he plays good music, he loves basketball, he is such a gentleman at the same time a kid at times...definitely fulfilled more than part of my ideal list.

mood; 心情 (xingqing); 기분 (gibun): a mood is a relatively long lasting emotional state. Moods differ from emotions in that they are less specific, less intense, and less likely to be triggered by a particular stimulus or event.

the days seem to be constantly gloomy with drops of tears falling from the sky as if the gods are crying. thunder and lightning sometime ensue and i don't know why but i seem to have gotten to love this gloom. maybe because of my constant gloom mood or gloom life, but i do love the gloom.

my mood has been sombre for the past couple of months. many things have changed. people have change or maybe they haven't but i have changed thats for sure.

there is one change i have yet to make. a change that could literally (well maybe not that dramatic) change my life. not a minor one but a major one. am i ready for that change? or shall i fix what is tainted and don't change what's not broken? i don't know but i know i am scared of that change. my gal pal told me perhaps its that surroundings that make me feel this way and that i should settle down and see whether i should make the change or not.

I just like the quote. Think it's kinda telling me it's time.

hurt 伤害 (sanghai) 상처 (sangcheo): to cause mental or emotional suffering to; distress.

"Everyone in life is gonna hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain.."

gloom - 幽暗 (you an) 어둠 (eodum): a state of melancholy or depression; despondency.

first day of the year.... didn't i just say i would be more positive? old habits die hard i guess. there are always excuses for how you behave and what or why you did not do this or that. i have been home the whole day. i slept at around 5 plus this morning but yet i woke up around 9 plus near 10 and have been awake since. i have a bf whom i do not want to spend anytime with at all. in fact, i don't feel like seeing him at all even though i am now home alone with my dog. do i feel sad? do i feel pathetic? yah i guess to a certain extent i do but the worse of it all is that i feel all these but yet i rather feel it than spend time with him.

i think i should not be a bitch and hold on because i am scared. but it's easier said than done. it's nothing something that is done overnight. there will be days and nights like these when i won't have anyone to go dinner with or anywhere to go but is holding on a solution?

please god... give me a sign!

finally a new year... but is there any difference actually? it's just that the clock strike midnight and everyone make resolutions that most likely they end up making it again by the end of the year.

generally, everyone will have this thoughts in their pretty little heads that it's a new year so it will be a white piece of paper again so they can re-write their life story for the year. perhaps true. you wish for better things in the new year. i know i do. it's kinda a placebo actually. it's like you open a door to another room then close the door and voila, it's a brand new year!

what is my resolution for this year? i don't know because i stopped making them as i don't end up keeping them. but perhaps writing some of the things i want to achieve this year would be good. so far so good for the first day of the year.

In 2011, I will:

1. throw away the old habits and pick up good ones (haha!)
2. work with a strong focus
3. still be passionate about the things i love but not to an obsessive stage
4. not hide myself away
5. figure out what road i want to take
6. have the courage to face the problems in my relationship
7. be healthy
8. be able to close many deals monthly
9. be less moody and more positive
10.see the world the way i want to
11.take note that nothing is free and easy except tours maybe
12.smile more
13.not have a day where i need to worry about money
14.read more books to widen my knowledge
15.expand my language capabilities with Korean & Mandarin
16.learn to handle the people in my life
17.lose weight to my ideal weight which is 43kg
18.let of things or people that are not meant to be
19.pick a new hobby or two
20.learn to love myself more and more each day

of cos, i shall also start my year with an eye candy:

from the blog of an awesome and inspiring man - Paulo Coelho



One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

cr: Closing Cycle as quoted above.

this song somehow depicts my feelings for the year. hopefully 2011 is a better for me.

Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you

And I never saw it coming
I should have started running
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!

The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you…

new 新 (xin) 새 (sae): newly beginning or recurring; starting anew; now commencing; different from has been; as, a new year; a new course or direction.

today is the last day of 2010. there are many ups and downs in one's life and i believe at this point of time, that this year could be one of the worse year of my life. a time of my life when i am constantly in a crossroad, constantly hurting, constantly disappointed and most of all emotional drained.



In 2010, I learn that:

1. even after 10 over years, your friends can still be immature
2. the people whom you thought are the people you can turn to might not be the case
3. being overly passionate about something might not be a good thing
4. people have less tolerance level once they are older
5. people pick on your faults but they are blind to their own
6. to keep my brutal opinion to myself and only say the things they want to hear
7. to say I am fine and mean it even if I am not
8. to be my own company
9. being poor with commitments is tough with capital T
10.the law of attraction don't really work
11.breaking up would be the best thing except that i am scared to be alone
12.facebook is a depressing tool
13.to be tough emotionally
14.to depend on myself and no one else
15.being a PR slut is exhausting
16.i am an angry at the person i have become
17.to cry silently
18.that i am ashamed of what i have become
19.that i am depressed and suicidal
20.that i have became the one thing i am most afraid of - a lost lonely soul

many more actually because i feel that 2010 is really a tough year for me. one of the few things in 2010 that made it great was my dog. she is a joy to have around and made those lonely times bearable.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest , if you must, but don't you quit.
*Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
*Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

PS: oh i will try harder with two of my fave eye candies supporting me! hahahaha!

silence (沉默) chen mo (침묵) chimmug - absence of any sound or noise; stillness; the state of being forgotten.

lately i have been dreading the fact that the house is pretty quiet. the little white furball is at the dad's place for the whole week. don't know why but i just feel like i needed some time off from thinking or worrying about anything at all. i miss her much though.

i do go out everyday for work (stress....things are pretty much hanging by a thread for me now and it's frustrating) but during the evenings when i come back, the house greets me with silence. i feel empty. my friend did say go out and have a drink or two but as much as i hate the emptiness and silence, i just ended up staying in.

this weekend will be very quiet. a bunch of friends went to shanghai and then another set of people went to kenyir which we were suppose to follow but honestly money is a factor. how sad....at this age. i suck!

but i got jaychou concert tickets! wooohoooo....

sensitive (敏感) ming gan - in this case it is easily pained, annoyed, etc.

my best friend have changed so much... i just realize it recently. i love her to pieces still but ... seriously it's pretty tiring talking to her i would say.

the past year, many things have happen and i won't say it's a good year. so of cos, i told her but to my surprise instead of understanding she actually kinda think i brought it to myself.

my social life especially have taken a hit. she told me that i have the tendency to say things outright or to say sarcastic things as i don't have much patience for a lot of things. well...yah no one likes to be told that they are bitches but yes i am a bitch.

thing is, now that the subject is out of the bag, it's like a death sentence. everytime...well not everytime but a lot of time when i go to her for some aunt agony advice, she would pinpoint that it's my fault that things get out of hand. sure, sometimes it's me but just cos i have a habit of being forthright doesn't mean it's me all the time.

in fact, i find it strenuous to talk to her nowadays. it's skirting on thin ice. it's like whatever i say it's not good enough for her ears.

siens!

trying (尝试) changshi - causing strain, hardship, or distress. upsetting, difficult, or annoying.

life is too short to stress yourself with people who don't even deserve to be an issue in your life. so true the saying but really... can you do it?

i think i am at a difficult stage of my life. the older you get, the harder and less courage you have to face the hardships in life and hence it's just tougher. now...my problems are many - financial, guy, social outcast, etc.

i feel horrible actually. i feel like everyone is pointing their evil fingers at me. but what did i do wrong?

recently, i stumble upon this website - Succeed Socially.com and the writer of the site has definitely helped me to understand many things. Like I am actually lonely (寂寞) ji mo...the state of "feeling lonely," describes a human state or feeling involving isolation, or the feeling of disconnection with others, etc. Often accompanied by a sense of yearning for connection and as well as what I have been doing wrong. Things that I thought I knew was not how it is.

I think partly cos of financial that I have a low self esteem at this point of time. Sad to think that at this low point of my life, people that you thought would be there, don't really give a shit about you. disappointed again....

I need happy thoughts...many many happy thoughts. Please GOD, if you are up there listening to me...let me have the strength to go through this emotionally and mentally.