inevitable.reality

from the blog of an awesome and inspiring man - Paulo Coelho



One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

cr: Closing Cycle as quoted above.

this song somehow depicts my feelings for the year. hopefully 2011 is a better for me.

Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you

And I never saw it coming
I should have started running
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!

The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you…

new 新 (xin) 새 (sae): newly beginning or recurring; starting anew; now commencing; different from has been; as, a new year; a new course or direction.

today is the last day of 2010. there are many ups and downs in one's life and i believe at this point of time, that this year could be one of the worse year of my life. a time of my life when i am constantly in a crossroad, constantly hurting, constantly disappointed and most of all emotional drained.



In 2010, I learn that:

1. even after 10 over years, your friends can still be immature
2. the people whom you thought are the people you can turn to might not be the case
3. being overly passionate about something might not be a good thing
4. people have less tolerance level once they are older
5. people pick on your faults but they are blind to their own
6. to keep my brutal opinion to myself and only say the things they want to hear
7. to say I am fine and mean it even if I am not
8. to be my own company
9. being poor with commitments is tough with capital T
10.the law of attraction don't really work
11.breaking up would be the best thing except that i am scared to be alone
12.facebook is a depressing tool
13.to be tough emotionally
14.to depend on myself and no one else
15.being a PR slut is exhausting
16.i am an angry at the person i have become
17.to cry silently
18.that i am ashamed of what i have become
19.that i am depressed and suicidal
20.that i have became the one thing i am most afraid of - a lost lonely soul

many more actually because i feel that 2010 is really a tough year for me. one of the few things in 2010 that made it great was my dog. she is a joy to have around and made those lonely times bearable.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest , if you must, but don't you quit.
*Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
*Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

PS: oh i will try harder with two of my fave eye candies supporting me! hahahaha!

silence (沉默) chen mo (침묵) chimmug - absence of any sound or noise; stillness; the state of being forgotten.

lately i have been dreading the fact that the house is pretty quiet. the little white furball is at the dad's place for the whole week. don't know why but i just feel like i needed some time off from thinking or worrying about anything at all. i miss her much though.

i do go out everyday for work (stress....things are pretty much hanging by a thread for me now and it's frustrating) but during the evenings when i come back, the house greets me with silence. i feel empty. my friend did say go out and have a drink or two but as much as i hate the emptiness and silence, i just ended up staying in.

this weekend will be very quiet. a bunch of friends went to shanghai and then another set of people went to kenyir which we were suppose to follow but honestly money is a factor. how sad....at this age. i suck!

but i got jaychou concert tickets! wooohoooo....

sensitive (敏感) ming gan - in this case it is easily pained, annoyed, etc.

my best friend have changed so much... i just realize it recently. i love her to pieces still but ... seriously it's pretty tiring talking to her i would say.

the past year, many things have happen and i won't say it's a good year. so of cos, i told her but to my surprise instead of understanding she actually kinda think i brought it to myself.

my social life especially have taken a hit. she told me that i have the tendency to say things outright or to say sarcastic things as i don't have much patience for a lot of things. well...yah no one likes to be told that they are bitches but yes i am a bitch.

thing is, now that the subject is out of the bag, it's like a death sentence. everytime...well not everytime but a lot of time when i go to her for some aunt agony advice, she would pinpoint that it's my fault that things get out of hand. sure, sometimes it's me but just cos i have a habit of being forthright doesn't mean it's me all the time.

in fact, i find it strenuous to talk to her nowadays. it's skirting on thin ice. it's like whatever i say it's not good enough for her ears.

siens!

trying (尝试) changshi - causing strain, hardship, or distress. upsetting, difficult, or annoying.

life is too short to stress yourself with people who don't even deserve to be an issue in your life. so true the saying but really... can you do it?

i think i am at a difficult stage of my life. the older you get, the harder and less courage you have to face the hardships in life and hence it's just tougher. now...my problems are many - financial, guy, social outcast, etc.

i feel horrible actually. i feel like everyone is pointing their evil fingers at me. but what did i do wrong?

recently, i stumble upon this website - Succeed Socially.com and the writer of the site has definitely helped me to understand many things. Like I am actually lonely (寂寞) ji mo...the state of "feeling lonely," describes a human state or feeling involving isolation, or the feeling of disconnection with others, etc. Often accompanied by a sense of yearning for connection and as well as what I have been doing wrong. Things that I thought I knew was not how it is.

I think partly cos of financial that I have a low self esteem at this point of time. Sad to think that at this low point of my life, people that you thought would be there, don't really give a shit about you. disappointed again....

I need happy thoughts...many many happy thoughts. Please GOD, if you are up there listening to me...let me have the strength to go through this emotionally and mentally.

fake (假) - a person who makes deceitful pretenses

being someone's friend, there is no obligations attach to it. but if you are someone's best friend and your best friend is in need of a shoulder to lean on, you be there. by hook or crook. but no, my guy's so called best friend doesn't do that yet my guy seems to think its okay. not asking my guy to not help him when he needs help but wake up and smell the roses dude... your best friend is such a crappy friend.

of cos, these people run in the same crowd and i am still an idiot. we go out with them for drinks. on good days which lasted over a month, things are good. but on bad days, they don't bother to call you or if you do call, they don't bother to ask you or make it so secretive that it is obvious. my guy call me sensitive but i am good at guessing and i do have a good intuition.

these are people whom i always thought are friends but yet they still treat me like shit. my guy said no it's like shit and he doesn't care. i maintain that it's like shit cos real friends don't care if you are a bitch, instead they tell you that you are a bitch and still continue to drink with you. just cos they probably don't like certain things about me for certain days, then it is what it is. then again, they are pretty hypocrite themselves so they should check themselves out in the mirror. no one is perfect. end of the day, i am minority so majority wins!

sigh...whatever the thing is, i am still an idiot! sigh....

I lie awake again
my bodies feeling paralysed.
i cant remember when
I didnt live through this disguise.
The words you said to me,
they couldnt set me free.
Im stuck here in this life i didnt ask for.

There must be something more,
do we know what we're fighting for?
breathe in breathe out
breathe in breathe out.
And all these masks we wore,
we never knew what we had in store,
breathe in breathe out,
breathe in breathe out.

The storm is rolling in,
the thunders loud,
it hurts my ears.
Im paying for my sins,
and its gunna rain for years and years.
I fooled everyone, and now what will i become?
i have to start this over,
i have to start this over.

There must be something more,
do we know what we're fighting for?
breathe in breathe out
breathe in breathe out.
And all these masks we wore,
we never knew what we had in store,
breathe in breathe out,
breathe in breathe out.

I fooled everyone now what will i become?
i have to start this over
i have to start this over.

There must be something more,
do we know what we're fighting for?
breathe in breathe out
breathe in breathe out.
And all these masks we wore,
we never knew what we had in store,
breathe in breathe out,
breathe in breathe out.

think 想 (xiang) - A way of reasoning; judgment:


i definitely think too much. think and then analyze and i end up hurting. i need to stop caring.

dog 狗 (gou) 개 (gae) - is a domesticated form of the gray wolf, a member of the Canidae family of the order Carnivora. The term is used for both feral and pet varieties.

perseverance 毅力（yi li) - steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

今天我很不开心， 因为人生的路不是那么容易。 有时候我却的很累，不要在走这掉路。

但我也不想放弃！我以定要有毅力！这掉路我会一步一步的慢慢走，直到我到达终点。 我以定可以的！加由加由！

if for someone who doesn't know much about writing in chinese can write out a whole paragraph, that's perseverance. but of cos, i had help from the dictionary and google translator...hehehe

no words definition this time because i was reading back my old post and saw that i was annoyed with my best friend. it was a bad day and i was being a bad ME. there are bad days and you say or feel bad things so what i want to say is that i may be a bitch at times but I LOVE YOU GIRL!!! HUG!!!! anyways, being good is SO overrated ;)

relieved 安心 (an xin) - to free from need, poverty, etc. (many explanation for this word but however, i am going with the one which best describes my current situation)

shooting star 流星 (liu xing) is the common name for the visible path of a meteoroid as it enters the atmosphere to become a meteor.

'can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky is like shooting star? i could really use a wish right now'

have you had one of those days where you are just pretty slow and there is no sense of urgency at all? today is one of those days for me.

also things have not been going that well for me ... money wise. quite stress out. sigh.

irony 讽刺 (Fèngcì)-(from the Ancient Greek εἰρωνεία eirōneía, meaning hypocrisy, deception, or feigned ignorance) is a situation, literary technique, or rhetorical device, in which there is an incongruity or discordance that goes strikingly beyond the most simple and evident meaning of words or actions.


damn bloody ironic as i was nearly more than 50% to close my deal and big money will be rolling in. but instead a property that has not been of interested to anyone suddenly was bought by any party. it is frustrating!

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive!

wind 风 (feng) - a force of nature that you can feel but cannot see

it has been awfully windy lately here. perhaps the world weather has gone cuckoo. the wind chills kinda remind me of the time i was in Melbourne freezing my ass off. i ain't a fan of cold.

football 足球(Zúqiú) - The game of football is any of several similar team sports, of similar origins which involve, to varying degrees, kicking a ball with the foot in an attempt to score a goal.

everyone is suffering from world cup fever at this moment. so whoever that is not shan't bother whoever that is. i don't know but i don't care much about footie no more. i remember i used to go ga-ga over all the guys, sticking posters all over my room. my schoolmates and i used to compare notes on who is better looking and which team is better ... ie: man u vs liverfool.

but now, sad to say...the guys for this year's world cup errmmmm tak boleh pakai. my friend said cos they are all too young for an aging me! hahahaha! young and yummy never mind, i can still take.

annoyance 烦恼 (Fánnǎo) - an unpleasant mental state that is characterized by such effects as irritation and distraction from one's conscious thinking. It can lead to emotions such as frustration and anger.


actually don't think the chinese words describe the whole gist of annoyance but who cares rite?

well, i can say i am annoyed by a few things lately. last night at my mum and aunt for saying they don't want to eat lunch. if they would have said earlier, i would have made the trip to visit my other aunts. but now that they don't want to have lunch so means i did not get to see my aunts who came from afar.

then i am annoyed at my partner for not doing work. saying sorry the first few times is ok but after that it just gets annoying. no work no pay. then no point complaining about no money. yah... i am no better off cos i do procrastinate maximum. but this is kind of not acceptable. and i am super annoyed! sigh! but working as partners and as best friends too, gotta give and take i guess. what i can do is to do it myself, can't count on people to do it. even when i was away, she was not really on top of things following up. i get the fact that suddenly it could be too many things to follow up but it's just 5-6 things that needs to be done so just do it! how hard can it be? so now, i just rant and rant then it's back to business...

i am just annoyed today!

family 家庭 - In human context, a family (from Latin: familiare) is an exclusive group of people who share a close relationship —a unit typically (or "traditionally") composed of a mated couple and their dependent children (procreation) in co-residence.



my mum and my aunt is here from up north. apparently, there is an emergency in the family. i learnt that my grand-aunt has bipolar disorder. i have heard of it the term in one of the American series and did not think that it would be this serious.

on top of that, my aunts and uncle (2 daughters and 1 son) is not making the situation any better. no one is a perfect son or daughter but the basic stuff should do and do it out of your heart. but then again, based on level in the family i am still consider low so no say.

it's quite disheartening to see people treat their parents so bad. yah i admit, i don't want my parents to live with me but that doesn't mean i won't bother about them or take them out for dinner or talk to them. i hope that things will get better for my grand-aunt. like my aunt say sweet beginnings (for she had people taking care of her) to bitter endings (cos it would seem that now her kids don't want to take care of her) for her.

on top of that, i heard the ultimate news. apparently my cousin has not been attending college for 1 1/2 years. which means he cannot complete his degree. sigh i hope it will get better for him.

prince charming 白马王子 - he is the prince who comes to rescue of the damsel in distress, and stereotypically, must engage in a quest to liberate her from an evil spell.

have you ever wonder what happen to prince charming or sleeping beauty that you heard about when you were younger during bedtime story? well, i wont say they don't exist. depends on what is your definition of a 白马王子.

in this modern day fairytale, a 白马王子 can be that round looking guy who holds the door open for you or text you to see if you are home safe. he could be that tall balding guy with a comic look who patiently waits while you shop. afterall, i guess you can say those guys did rescue you from a certain situation at that point of time.

then again, i don't think we do need much rescuing nowadays. i think if a guy respects you, treasures you, cares about you, loves you for who you are no matter what then he is the 白马王子.

reality aside, of cos...every 白马王子 a girl dream of would be a guy who does the rescuing but yet manage to do it charmingly and romantically and manage to look yummy at the same time. a girl can dream right? my 白马王子 i s this dimple guy on the left.

at the end of the day, who said someday my 白马王子 won't come? just that he won't be riding on a horse and look good doing it. instead he probably be trying to hold on for his dear life.

drowning 踩水 - To kill by submerging and suffocating in water or another liquid

其实我不知道我自己在做什么。我只是觉得好像我淹死。怎么我还只是踩水，不浮动？我是不够努吗？它必须是。我要加倍努力，如果没有我一定会被淹死...

world cup / 世界杯 - 4 year once football championship


lately everything is about world cup - who kicked who's ass in the world today or yesterday. well, i have not been following at all. i just hear and perhaps give some comments here and there but otherwise no interested, don't know why. then again, if you can't beat them, join them so 南非世界杯，我终于决定支持阿根廷！

anyway, currently the only thing in my mind is money. and mine is running extremely low. if i don't get some soon, i probably need to be begging for some soon.

keep fingers cross and pray to god big time!

Bali 巴厘岛 - an Indonesian island located in the westernmost end of the Lesser Sunda Islands, lying between Java to the west and Lombok to the east.


recently went for a break full of sun, surf and sea. most of the days when i wake up, all i need to think of is whether or not it is sunny outside so i can take my morning swim or a morning tan.

this time around i did two more activity that i have not done before - a bike tour that passes through a few local villages and paragliding which is pretty pricey but something i have been wanting to do for the longest time. other than that, its pretty much - wake, eat, chill, swim, tan, walk, drink, party (once! getting old already) and sleep.

heaven! i hope i can do this again very soon. check out the eye candies...yummy!

love 爱 - "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." --Robert Heinlein


"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."
--Margaret Anderson

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."
--Aristotle

"In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life."
--Bliss and Cerney

"Take away love, and our earth is a tomb."
--Robert Browning

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
--Roy Croft

"You're nothing short of my everything."
--Ralph Block

"I love her and that's the beginning of everything."
--F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."
--John Keats

"I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."
--Vita Sackville-West

"Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."
--Unknown

"When a heart finds another, what's a cloud more or less in the sky?"
--Wolf and Page

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
--Sam Keen

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
--Elizabeth Browning

weibo 围脖 - chinese version of twitter

recently i got myself a chinese twitter account called weibo. it is very popular with many asian artistes and i am following like a number of them. however after a while it's is pretty tiring and tedious because in order to know what they are tweeting about, i would need to copy and paste onto the google translator and then click submit. after that, if everything goes well i would get the whole idea but sometimes the words are jumble up and i would need to decipher it.

otherwise, it does help me to improve my chinese a lot seeing i pretty much want to take a shot at taiwan. gotta start posting more in chinese here too.

here is my WEIBO

indifferent: that does not matter one way or the other; of no importance or value one way or the other

alcohol: intoxication that will make you lose yourself

i was confuse with myself and contradicting myself too. i want yet i don't want. anyway, we kissed although we are suppose to be cooling off. i think it's the alcohol's fault. yes i shall blame it on the alcohol.

dream: an aspiration; goal; aim


i am crazy over this drama serial called down with love and especially crazy over the guy. crazy to the extent of wanting to go over to taiwan and chase my dream (not the guy as it would be impossible). not to say it would be a better life there, in fact i might be lonely there but i might enjoy it there, who knows. but i know for sure, i want what they have in the drama. i want a xiang yu ping and am going to go for it unless otherwise.

lately been surfing this forum and you would be surprise how many people actually lurks around there. i am there especially since i am an addict of the couple from down with love. even during normal time like promotional and non-promotional time, these two are still playing footsie, handsie, tickling, poking, touching, and many more. seriously, they are so sweet and everyone on this thread in this forum that i go to is so into them getting together and always spazz about them. i am more than happy to just take a seat back and read with the occasional comment here and there. but seriously, these two got super hot chemistry and i have not been crazy over a couple in a serial before.


a girlfriend of mine and i have planned, when we get enough money...we will go over to taiwan to be a crazy fan and chase some stars for fun. i think we can still pass as 20s.

happy: characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy



think this song might be best to describe at the moment: Happy by Leona Lewis



someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
dont you take chances
you might feel the pain
dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryna play my roll
slowly diasappear, oooh
well all these tears
they feel like theyre the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy
oooh

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
dont say anythng

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy

dating: a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse



i have a date tonight with a guy. well, actually it's my guy if i can still call him my guy. but in fact, it's just dinner.

anyway, i better buck up on work. money needs to pour in or else i am doomed soon.

change: a passing from one phase to another


today started out good as i went out for work and i did get things done although a bit distracted here and there. th en i went home after work and maybe because lately due to the empty feeling i have, i hate my home. my white little rascal makes it so much easier to go home.

i kept thinking maybe just maybe i should settle. that i still want to hold on. i panicked when he said he can't go on the holiday with me. i am already having some personal struggle with certain people who is going on the holiday too and me being me, i cling. but after a while and my mind digest the whole thing, in fact i am looking forward to him not being there as well. me just being able to have fun. i am losing him because i am slowly but surely letting him go.

i know deep inside that i want to let go but i am clinging on because i am scared of changes. now i do hope that he is not gonna be going as well so i can just be me without the facade. perhaps it is for the best.

habit: an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary



i love him but yet i am not in love with him. i am scared to be without him but yet i don't want him in my life. i want to be just me but yet i can't let go of him.

everytime i think of all the times we have together or all the things we have gone through, i just want to ask him to hold me in his arms. but i also know that it will be a different feeling for i want more and i don't know if he can give me more.

i am not being fair to him. i am hurting him but yet if i am not selfish, i will hurt me. i don't want that feeling of emptiness.

we have become a habit...

Used to us promising each other Be there or be square
Used to looking for the other when we open our eyes
But habits make us sluggish
No longer strong enough
To defend against loneliness

Used to the two of us sleeping in a single bed
Then we can sleep soundly till daybreak
If you leave
What can I do with my hands all tied up?

But most of all,
Used to the Happily-after
How do I get used to having my other half empty again

pS: it's a bit weird cos it's translated from a chinese song called 習慣兩個人

empty: containing nothing



i feel empty and as if i am acting on autopilot. i don't know how long i can walk like this. it feels like i am falling, falling into an endlessly black pit. someone help me...or is it only i can help myself.

loneliness: a feeling in which people experience a strong sense of emptiness and solitude.

actually i am a princess behind all my fierce facade, wanting to get approval and wanting to be loved by everyone. i am insecure. whatever shit people give, i pretend to i don't take shit. but in the end i just swallow it because i am afraid, i am afraid that if i don't take it all in, i will be the only one sitting there.

fear is a strong feeling, loneliness is even worse...it doesn't kill you, it eats you alive slowly but surely.

some have said that i am hateful. if i am such a hateful person, then why let me have a conscience? why not let me be a bitch through and through...it would be much easier then. either you love me or you hate me. but no, i hate but i want to be loved.

so perhaps i have reached a stage where i don't want to pretend no more. i just want to be me.